A Y M A N A Y T E R

YOUNG DREAMER | TRUE BELIEVER


Leave a comment

Do not be in a hurry

I know, I know. I keep on saying that I’m not in a hurry to fall in love but something inside me contradicts everything that I say.

I had a chance to talk with my senior officemates about marriage during our lunch break and all I did was listen to them with awe as they try to impart their personal experiences and advices regarding this matter.

The bottomline of our conversation is, “don’t be in a hurry.” And I must say, they are right. But, I can’t take away the fact that the more I get older, the more batchmates of mine marry, the more I fear of being alone.

I know I’m still young but thinking of how fast time runs in early 20’s is indeed quite.. I don’t know (I can’t think of a word that best describes it). As I get older every year, my anxiety now exceeds the borderline.

All I know is I dream of having my own family – spouse-slash-bestfriend and children – and I am very eager to achieve it someday. And before I can attain it, I have to find myself and be better first for the “future family”.

I don’t want to be grow old alone, seriously.

Advertisements


Leave a comment

You were there

You were there and all I could do was stare at you.

I want to know your name, get to know you, be friends with you, be with you. Isn’t it ridiculous? Because I know that someone like you will never ever get interested with someone like me – me who is just this.

Call me stupid for this infatuation, believing that you are the one, daydreaming and praying that you really are the one.  No. I don’t want to “fall for you” because I know this is just another fantasy of mine.

I want to end this foolishness. I want to forget the day you held the door for me and I got conscious that you didn’t hear me thanking you. Honestly, I don’t understand why I even got guilty that day.

I haven’t seen you for days, not even your shadow. I’m afraid you’ve left and looked for other jobs, perhaps that rainy day was the last time I’ll see you. 

I hate it because you aren’t there anymore yet all I can do is still think of you.


2 Comments

Rant

I can’t concentrate with what I am supposed to do because there’s something that really bugs me. I hate the feeling that I’m not updated with the latest stories of my friends, that I don’t have time for them.

I’m really the type who wants to know the latest or at least ‘meddle’ with their lives (lol) and I really hate it everytime I tell them to see them real soon but it would just end there. College friends often ask me out but I can’t due to some responsibilities; High school and elementary friends often ask me to plan out a mini-reunion but it ends not so well. Not that I hate my life, it’s just that I really need to balance everything – from family to work to friends. I don’t want to sacrifice a thing or I might end up regretting it.

My mom just lost her very good friend. She lost contact with her but she could’ve done something to reach out for her. It just didn’t happen due to some reasons. The reasons are quite acceptable but my mom wasn’t able to bid goodbye to her for the last time, and now she regrets it.

I don’t want it to happen to me EVER. I am trying but it seems that I can’t. Oh well, I’ve had regrets before, and I don’t want it to happen again 😐

Just some rant, I apologize for wasting your time 😐


Leave a comment

BLESSED :)

We had our Staff Annual Activity last week and it was great SUPERB.

I was really overwhelmed because I rarely attend team buildings or outing with friends (me and my tragic life LOL). Anyway, I really felt that my officemates have become part of my life, that they have become my family.

I never imagined that this is the kind of work world that I’m gonna be in. When I was still studying, I imagined strict bosses, hard to get along officemates, a world that is so complex that you’ll end up crying every night. Hey, I was wrong, there’s still a wonderful work place for people and I judged the work world a little over the line.

I believe they see us (the newbies) as their own children; of course knowing the boundaries between work and usual conversations. They treat us with love and care, not just us, but our immediate families as well. The feeling of concern from them, the feeling that you can trust them because they will never let you down.

I don’t know how to swim and there they were (and I mean ALL of them in the pool), trying to teach me everything that I can learn. No, I never felt fear everytime I submerged myself because I know they will never allow something bad shall happen to me. Yes, I trust them and I really appreciate their parent-like attitude.

We are lucky blessed to be in this Department, I feel contented with where I am right now. I was introduced to persons that will not destroy myself, hence strengthen me especially spiritually. If given the chance, I would like to stay here as long as they tell me to stay.

My searching-for-job time was crucial but I never thought that this is God’s way of telling me that He really has plans for me and I must trust Him. I am really blessed, blessed to meet these awesome people. Thank God for this job, Thank God for this family. Indeed, You are the best! 🙂


2 Comments

Fairy Tale

A HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY TO EVERYONE!

I apologize for the post greetings because I was busy helping out with our mini celebration here in office. So who says we don’t have a date? 😉

Anyway, a day before the “bitter day” (as some loveless people say), I was riding a jeepney on my way home and seated beside two high school students, one girl and one guy (I doubt he’s a straight guy though, and I can’t confirm it either) from the nearby school. At first I was irritated by the way they were conversing because it was in a CONYO way and you know what I mean.

They were talking about their upcoming JS Prom and recalling the previous prom, it was then I realized that they are on their last year in high school. They talked about their plans on the day itself: from their preparation, dress and suit, hairdo, and the dance itself. But as I kept on listening to their chitchat (OKAY, I’m not nakiki-chismis or anything, they were talking out loud, not my fault :P), I ended up agreeing to the girl’s stand.

The girl then said to the guy that, girls (and I must say young ladies) can’t be blamed if they really prepared for that day, the dress, the make-up and everything. It’s in that much-awaited event that girls would feel like princesses, just like those in the fairy tales. It would seem like a dream come true to every girls.

Oh yes, I agreed to that.

I could still remember how I despised prom when I was younger. I saw and waited for my brothers when they attended their respective proms but I kept on telling myself (and my family) that I will never attend proms because it’s just a waste of time and money.

When I reached high school, everything turned upside down (especially on my third year). I became excited just like my classmates when we learned that the prom will push through (there’s an issue there that I won’t elaborate because it’s not important anyway). So guess what family had to say “We thought you will not attend prom?” 😐

Though I am not really a fan of fairy tales, I had this longing for a “fairy tale” night during that time. The feeling of being special even for just one night; the feeling of being a young lady; the feeling of being taken care of by your gentlemen friends and classmates; hanging out with young lady friends and classmates; and the feeling of being a princess, ALL for the very first time without the presence of my family.

And just meters before arriving to the high school girl’s destination, she exclaimed, “it is the memories.”


1 Comment

VULNERABLE

It’s the same feeling I had years back. I hate recalling that issue because it brings me bad really bad memories. I’m starting to doubt myself, again, with what I can really do. It’s not insecurity. It’s just, I don’t trust myself anymore. No, it’s not their fault, it’s mine. I’m pulling myself down with something that shouldn’t be a big deal anyway. I hate this feeling. I hate it so badly.

I always thought that I’ve become tougher when it comes to life’s challenges but I guess I’m still the little girl who’s frail and weak. I’m a pretender, believing I have become a mature young lady but I’ve proven it all wrong. I’m still the fragile girl 10 years ago, not knowing how to deal with the tests served.

Confidence, when are you going to stay for real?

Sorry for this non-sense entry. It’s just that no one cares and no one notices my vulnerability.


Leave a comment

LOST

I told myself I won’t treat this blog as my personal blog but I can’t help it especially at times when you don’t know how to react on things except through writing.

I’m a bit lost right now and I don’t know where and how to start. I’ve been suffering from writer’s block that leads to: do I deserve this position or maybe someone out there deserves this chair I’m currently sitting? 😦

Seriously, I don’t know how to explain my emotions right now. I want to cry, really, because I can’t decipher how am I going to deal with these data (which happened for the very first time). There were times that I asked myself whether being a writer (or journalist) is really for me. Maybe I wanted to become one but my skills just won’t fit.

My other problem is that my faith is a bit shaky lately, so tell me how will I be able to survive if I’m spiritually weak? Oh no. I just don’t know.

Aside from that, there are a lot of things that kept on bugging me, my dreams and the future. I really don’t know what His plans for me are but I want to trust Him. I once trusted Him, why not now? What a way to start my 2013 😐

I am wondering, where did the old ‘me’ ran off to? The happy-go-lucky school girl who believed she’s invincible.

Please forgive me, I just need to let this out.