Hey there! Do you miss me? Because I really do.
We never talked like we used to ever since that conversation we had. Now, we only have: hi, hello, happy birthday, and small talks whenever we need something from each other. From brother-sister relationship, we became total strangers.
I really miss the times when we’d exchange messages from late night till dawn chatting about the girls you liked and the boys I liked, or talk about the what’s-going-on in our own homes. The instances when we’d violate “N.I.P.S.” just to sit next to each other and talk about non-sense things or simply update with the latest stories. The random phone calls and unending text quotes. Those holidays that we used to greet each other. The afternoon walks and snacks (together with friends, of course). Your out-of-nowhere yet very effective advices. Those were the four years that you were able to share everything (I believe) to me. Sadly, it all ended in that conversation, days before our graduation. I didn’t only bid goodbye to high school, but to you as well.
Did you know that I became devastated (no exaggerations) since that conversation? I really wished that I should’ve never said that. Did you know that I tried to show you that I am very happy with my new college friends and doesn’t seem to care even if you ignored me? But the truth is, I was longing for our casual talk. Did you know that I had sleepless nights and cried for you? Did you know that I became so affected to the point that I would react on class discussions when I felt the topic reminded me of you? (Well, not really react with the whole class noticing it, only my seatmate =))) The advantage of being seated in front).
We tried to forget about the conversation, and made it clear that you and I are just friends. I tried to speak with you but limited myself because I might go overboard and make you feel uneasy. We’ve met a few times after that, talked a little, but it was not the same as before. I really wanted our friendship back, but no matter how hard I try, it’s still awkward, REALLY AWKWARD. Some of my friends gave me possible reasons why things can’t go back to the way it used to be. But still, I can’t accept the idea of really losing you as a friend because you are the type that is for keeps.
That conversation is still vivid in my memory. The timing was not right, or should I say, it was never right after all. You excitedly informed me that you have already confessed to her, but instead of being happy for you, I stole the spotlight and instantly told you what I felt for you. To be honest, I envy “her” during that time because she was (and still is) the lucky girl whom you have fallen for. I really wished that I were her, the one who can make you smile. I admit, I WAS SELFISH. And also, I felt so stupid and naïve prioritizing love over friendship. If only I could turn back time, if only.
But hey, I’m not blaming you for anything. It was my action that led us to this situation. Actually I learned a lot in terms of love and friendship, in knowing myself more, and in life itself, so I’m quite thankful that this has happened.
I am just hoping that things will go back to the way it used to be (though I doubt it’ll ever happen). I really miss the guy whom I can blab about anything and give me wise advices in case I needed it. The guy I am really comfortable in asking favors with. The guy who once told me face-to-face, “masyado ka kasing mabait, kaya ka inaabuso”. The guy who was my best friend.
Just so you know that conversation tops my most regretted things ever done or said in my whole life (as of now). It took me years to finally get over you but it will take me forever to forget the things I told you in that conversation. Believe me, I am over you 🙂 Just early this year though. Hey, it’s not easy to fall out of love after loving you for eight years. I am fortunate that I was able to move on. Anyway, it disappoints me that I didn’t just lose a friend or a best friend, but I lost one of the most trusted friends I have.
I really miss you, I mean it.
BTW, I’m really glad because I can see how happy you are right now :’)
(A/N: Typo! Love The One You’re With by Emily Giffin. Thank you :D)